Jokes

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Big Daddy
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Re: Jokes

Post by Big Daddy »

FIFTY SHADES OF GREY BY PAM AYRES

The missus bought a Paperback,
down Shepton Mallet way,
I had a look inside her bag;...
T'was "Fifty Shades of Grey".

Well I just left her to it,
And at ten I went to bed.
An hour later she appeared;
The sight filled me with dread.

In her left hand she held a rope;
And in her right a whip!
She threw them down upon the floor,
And then began to strip.

Well fifty years or so ago;
I might have had a peek;
But Mabel hasn't weathered well;
She's eighty four next week!!

Watching Mabel bump and grind;
Could not have been much grimmer.
And things then went from bad to worse;
She toppled off her Zimmer!

She struggled back upon her feet;
A couple minutes later;
She put her teeth back in and said
"I am a dominator!!"

Now if you knew our Mabel,
You'd see just why I spluttered,
I'd spent two months in traction
For the last complaint I'd uttered.

She stood there nude and naked
Bent forward just a bit
I went to hold her, sensual like
and stood on her left t*t!

Mabel screamed, her teeth shot out;
My God what had I done!
She moaned and groaned then shouted out:
"Step on the other one!!"

Well readers, I can tell no more;
Of what occurred that day.
Suffice to say my jet black hair,
Turned fifty shades of grey!!
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Big Daddy
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Re: Jokes

Post by Big Daddy »

Deleted - Already told by Neil... :whistle:
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MHodg
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Location: North Dorset

Re: Jokes

Post by MHodg »

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Mike.H.
Big Daddy
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Re: Jokes

Post by Big Daddy »

An elderly scot lay dying in his bed.

While suffering the agonies of impending death,

he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite scones wafting up the stairs.

He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed.

Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom,

and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.

With laboured breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen.

Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there,

spread out upon the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favourite scones.

Was it heaven?

Or was it one final act of love from his devoted Scottish wife of sixty years,

seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in rumpled posture.

His aged and withered hand trembled towards a scone at the edge of the table,

when it was suddenly smacked by his wife with a wooden spoon ......

'Bugger off,' she said, 'they're for the funeral.'
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Big Daddy
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Re: Jokes

Post by Big Daddy »

I rear-ended a car this morning ... the start of a really bad day
The driver got out of the other car, and he was a dwarf
He looked up at me and said "I am not happy!"
So I said, "Well, which one are you then?"

That's how the fight started...
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SteveClem
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Location: near Belper

Re: Jokes

Post by SteveClem »

He must have been 'Grumpy ' then?
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Neil Evans
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Re: Jokes

Post by Neil Evans »

:whistle:
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Club Technical Information Officer
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MHodg
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Location: North Dorset

Re: Jokes

Post by MHodg »

On the same lines as the last one------------
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Mike.H.
Big Daddy
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Re: Jokes

Post by Big Daddy »

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Big Daddy
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Re: Jokes

Post by Big Daddy »

Just got off the phone with a friend who lives in Scotland.
She said that since early this morning the snow has been nearly waist high and is still falling.
The temperature is dropping far below zero and the north wind is increasing to near gale force.
Her husband has done nothing but look through the kitchen window and just stare.

She says that if it gets much worse, she may have to let the drunken bast*rd in.
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Big Daddy
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Re: Jokes

Post by Big Daddy »

A man had just boarded and settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black labrador in the middle seat next to the man.

The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why the dog was allowed on the plane.

The second man explained that he was from the Police Drugs Enforcement Agency and that the dog was a 'sniffing dog'.

'His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work.'

The plane took off, and once it has levelled out, the policeman said, 'Watch this.'

He told Sniffer to 'Search'.

Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds.

Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the policeman's arm.

The policeman said, 'Good boy', and he turned to the man and said, 'That woman is in possession of marijuana, I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.

'Gee, that's pretty good,' replied the first man.

Once again, the policeman sent Sniffer to search the aisles.

The Lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to its seat, and this time he placed two paws on the agent's arm.

The policeman said, 'Two paws mean that man is carrying cocaine, so again, I m making a note of his seat number for the police.'

'I like it!' said his seat mate.

The policeman then told Sniffer to 'Search' again.

Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to sh*t all over the place.

The first man was really disgusted by this behaviour and couldn't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like that.

So he asked the policeman, 'What's going on?'

The policeman nervously replied, 'He's just found a bomb.'
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Neil Evans
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Re: Jokes

Post by Neil Evans »

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman and was somewhat upset -"you are a disrespectful pig!" she cried. How dare you do this to me -a faithful wife, mother of your children! I am leaving you. I want a divorce straight away!" And the husband replied "Hang on just a minute Love, so at least I can tell you what happened." "Fine, go ahead," she sobbed, "but they'll be the last words you'll ever say to me!! And the husband began -" Well I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and so defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was thin, poorly dressed and dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days! So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the chicken curry I made for you last night, which you wouldn't eat because you are afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in seconds. Since she needed a good clean up I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that I noticed that her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't use because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your Anniversary present, which you don't use because I don't have good taste. I went and found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas, which you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated the boots you bought at that expensive boutique and don't use because someone in your office has the same pair" The husband took a deep breath and continued- "she was so grateful for my understanding and help and as I walked her to the door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, " Please, do you have anything else that your wife DOESN'T USE?"
Club Technical Information Officer
A30/A35 Club Member A191 (since 1972)

Father of the club's only love child
Big Daddy
Posts: 7158
Joined: Fri Jun 10, 2011 7:33 am

Re: Jokes

Post by Big Daddy »

A blonde man shouts frantically into the phone,
"My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart !"

"Is this her first child ?" asks the Doctor.

"No" he shouts, "this is her husband !"
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Big Daddy
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Re: Jokes

Post by Big Daddy »

A left wing politician, a TV reporter and a British soldier were captured by ISIS.
They were as usual sentenced to death by beheading.
Unexpectedly, the ISIS leader said they could have one last wish each before sentence was carried out.

The politician asked to hear a rendering of Keep The Red Flag Flying Here.
The reporter asked that the beheading be televised so that even when he was dead his face would be on TV.
The trooper asked to be kicked three times up the a*se.

This was carried out first, and as the last kick landed the trooper pulled a hidden 9mm pistol out of his smock shot three terrorists dead, grabbed one of their fallen AK47s and shot dead the rest of the terrorists.

The other two prisoners were amazed, and asked why he requested to be kicked three times before drawing the gun.

Because said the trooper, when we get back to the UK I don’t want you pair of a*seholes saying it was an unprovoked attack!
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Bill
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Location: Taunton

Re: Jokes

Post by Bill »

A tough old sheep farmer from Scotland gave some good advice to his granddaughter.
He told her that the secret to a long life was to sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder onto her porridge every morning.

The granddaughter followed this dictum religiously until her death at the venerable age of 103.
She left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 45 great grandchildren, 25 great-great grandchildren and a forty foot crater where the crematorium used to be. :rol:
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