Jokes

As it says on the tin, General and off Topic area, talk about anything in here (within reason!)
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btriplett
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Jokes

Post by btriplett »

What happened to the joke thread? Did it get too rude, or has my aging brain simply lost it? I have a good one all ready to go.
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jeff
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Re: Jokes

Post by jeff »

Yes it got out of hand (to rude) so the whole lot got deleted.
If we start a new one we have to keep it clean.
WAC_Paul
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Jokes

Post by WAC_Paul »

It's not been deleted. It's in the moderators area being sorted and will then return.
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troutrunner
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Re: Jokes

Post by troutrunner »

WAC_Paul wrote:It's not been deleted. It's in the moderators area being sorted and will then return.
So meanwhile post them in here and we can merge the two topics when it returns
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Neil Evans
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Re: Jokes

Post by Neil Evans »

While in China, a man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time he is there.

A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his organ is covered with bright green and purple spots.

Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.

The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.

The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, “I've got bad news for you, you've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here in the US, we know very little about it.”

The man looks a little perplexed and says, “Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc.”

The doctor answers, “I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate it”

The man screams in horror, “Absolutely not! I want a second opinion!!!”

The doctor replies, “Well, it's your choice. Go ahead, if you want but surgery is your only option.”

The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease.

The Chinese doctor examines his organ and proclaims, “Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vewy ware disease.”

The guy says to the doctor, “Yeah, yeah, I already know that but what can we do? My American doctor wants to cut it off !”

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs. “Stupid American docttah, always want opawate. Make more money dat way. No need amputate!”


“Oh, thank God!”the man exclaims.



“Yes,”says the Chinese doctor, “Wait two week. Fawl off by itself!”
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Neil Evans
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Re: Jokes

Post by Neil Evans »

"Give me 3 packets of condoms, please."

Cashier: "Do you need a bag with that, sir?"

"Nah... She's pretty good lookin'....."
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Re: Jokes

Post by Neil Evans »

New evidence has been found at Oscar Pitorious' house that puts him in the clear. Footprints.... :whistle:
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bigfootandy
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Re: Jokes

Post by bigfootandy »

Neil Evans wrote:New evidence has been found at Oscar Pitorious' house that puts him in the clear. Footprints.... :whistle:
:rol: :rol:
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Dinky
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Re: Jokes

Post by Dinky »

INSTALLING HUSBAND
A woman writes to the IT Technical support Guy

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and I noticed a distinct slowdown in the overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as NEWS 5.0, MONEY 3.0 and SOCCER 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and House cleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.

Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5..3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed,
______ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________

Reply

DEAR Madam,

First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme. html and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update.
If that application works as designed, Husband1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5..

However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Silence 2.5 or Beer 6.1.
Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)

In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.
You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance.
We recommend: Cooking 3.0 and Hot Looks 7.7.

Good Luck Madam!
IT SUPPORT DESK
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Re: Jokes

Post by jeff »

An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice on reviving her husband’s libido.
‘What about trying Viagra?’ asked the doctor.
‘Not a chance’, she said. ‘He won’t even take an aspirin.’
‘Not a problem,’ replied the doctor. ‘Give him an ‘Irish Viagra’. It’s when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won’t even taste it, give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went..’
It wasn’t a week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to her progress.
The poor dear exclaimed, ‘Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T’was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!’
‘Really? What happened?’ asked the doctor…
‘Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye
and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent me cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there passionately on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!’
‘Why so terrible?’ asked the doctor, ‘ Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn’t good?’
‘Freakin’ jaysus, ’twas the best sex I’ve had in 25 years! But sure as I’m sittin’ here, I’ll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again.
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Re: Jokes

Post by Neil Evans »

bigfootandy wrote:
Neil Evans wrote:New evidence has been found at Oscar Pitorious' house that puts him in the clear. Footprints.... :whistle:
:rol: :rol:
Wicked isn't it.... :thumbs:
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Re: Jokes

Post by troutrunner »

Neil Evans wrote:
bigfootandy wrote:
Neil Evans wrote:New evidence has been found at Oscar Pitorious' house that puts him in the clear. Footprints.... :whistle:
:rol: :rol:
Wicked isn't it.... :thumbs:
Well I suppose someone had to stump up the evidence :whistle:
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ansemic
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Jokes

Post by ansemic »

Rene Descartes, the French philosopher, walks into a bar.

The bartender says, "Hey, Rene, you want a scotch?"

Descartes replies, "No, I think not." And then vanishes.
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Re: Jokes

Post by jeff »

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a £30,000 loan to take a holiday."Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral. The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
...
Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?" The bank manager looks back at her and says. "It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan, His old man's a Rolling Stone."
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Re: Jokes

Post by jeff »

FIFTY SHADES OF GREY - (a husbands point of view)

The missus bought a Paperback,
down Shepton Mallet way,
I had a look inside her bag;
T'was "fifty shades of grey".

Well I just left her to it,
And at ten I went to bed.
An hour later she appeared;
The sight filled me with dread...

In her left she held a rope;
And in her right a whip!
She threw them down upon the floor,
And then began to strip.

Well fifty years or so ago;
I might have had a peek;
But Mabel hasn't weathered well;
She's eighty four next week!!

Watching Mabel bump and grind;
Could not have been much grimmer.
And things then went from bad to worse;
She toppled off her Zimmer!

She struggled back upon her feet;
A couple minutes later;
She put her teeth back in and said
I am a dominater !!

Now if you knew our Mabel,
You'd see just why I spluttered,
I'd spent two months in traction
For the last complaint I'd uttered.

She stood there nude and naked
Bent forward just a bit
I went to hold her, sensual like
and stood on her left t*t!

Mabel screamed, her teeth shot out;
My god what had I done!?
She moaned and groaned then shouted out:
"Step on the other one"!!

Well readers, I can't tell no more;
About what occurred that day.
Suffice to say my jet black hair,
Turned fifty shades of grey.
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