Jokes

As it says on the tin, General and off Topic area, talk about anything in here (within reason!)
SteveClem
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Location: near Belper

Re: Jokes

Post by SteveClem »

Didn't someone say 'less is more' ?
Sounds like nonsense to me...
Big Daddy
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Joined: Fri Jun 10, 2011 7:33 am

Re: Jokes

Post by Big Daddy »

SteveClem wrote:Didn't someone say 'less is more' ?
Sounds like nonsense to me...
Less can be more... :thumbs:


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Big Daddy
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Joined: Fri Jun 10, 2011 7:33 am

Re: Jokes

Post by Big Daddy »

Ordering Pizza, 2017

Hello! Gordon's Pizza?
No sir, it's Google Pizza.

So, I've the wrong number?
No sir, Google bought Gordon's Pizza.

OK - take my order please…
Well sir, you want the usual?

The usual?
How do you know me?
According to your caller ID, the last 12 times you ordered pizza with cheese, sausage, thick crust…

OK! OK! That's it! GO!!
Sir, may I suggest to you this time ricotta cheese, arugula with sun-dried tomatoes?

NO! I hate vegetables!
But your cholesterol is high!

How do you know?
Through the Lab subscriber's guide. We have the results of your blood tests for the last 7 years.

Okay, but I want my regular pizza - I already take medicine.
But sir, you've not taken your medicine regularly.
Four months ago, you only purchased a box with 30 tablets at Drugsale Network.

I bought more from another drugstore.
It's not showing on your credit card.

I paid in cash.
But you did not withdraw that much cash according to your bank statement.

I have other sources of cash.
This's not showing on your last Income-Tax return, unless you got it from an undeclared source.

WHAT THE HELL? Enough! I'm sick of Google, Facebook, Twitter, WhatsApp.
I'm going to an Island without Wi-Fi or internet - where there's no cell phones or satellites to spy on me.

I understand sir - but you need to renew your passport, as it expired 5 weeks ago…
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Big Daddy
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Re: Jokes

Post by Big Daddy »

ethel.jpg
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A40FARINAGURU
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Re: Jokes

Post by A40FARINAGURU »

Big Daddy wrote:
ethel.jpg
don't look Ethel!
Nick Bayliss

Club's A35 (Saloon) Registrar, South Midlands Area Contact

Email, a35@austina30a35ownersclub.co.uk

Connected with A30/A35's for 63 years

A30/A35 Member A1372 (since 1981)
Big Daddy
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Re: Jokes

Post by Big Daddy »

Dave the Scouser from Liverpool, was touring the USA on holiday and stopped in a remote bar in the hills of Nevada. He was chatting to the bartender when he spied an old Native American man sitting in the corner - complete with tribal gear on, long white plaits and a wrinkled face.

"Who's he?" asked the Liverpudlian.
"That's the Memory Man." said the bartender. "He knows everything, remembers everything. He can remember every face he's ever seen. He can remember any fact he hears or reads. Go and try him out."

So the Dave wanders over, and thinking he won't know anything about English football, asks "Who won the 1965 FA Cup Final?".
"Liverpool" replies the Memory Man, instantly.
The tourist is amazed "Who did they beat?"
"Leeds" comes the reply - again, quick as a flash.
"And the score?"
The wise brave does not hesitate, "2-1."

Thinking that details might fox him, Dave tries something more specific "Who scored the winning goal?" he asks. The Red Indian didn't even blink: "Ian St. John”

The Liverpudlian was knocked out by this and told everyone back home about the Memory Man when he got back. But it's not enough for Dave - and soon he is determined to return and pay his respects to this amazing man.

Ten years later he's saved enough money and returns to the U.S. After weeks of searching through the Towns of Nevada, Dave eventually finds the impressive Memory Man in a cave in the mountains - only this time he was older and even more wrinkled but still resplendent in his warpaint and headdress..

Humbled by this vision, Dave the Scouser steps forward respectfully, bows and greets the brave in his traditional tongue "How"
The Memory man looks up, squints at him and says:
"Diving header in the six yard box".
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SteveClem
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Location: near Belper

Re: Jokes

Post by SteveClem »

Think I may have seen that :whistle:
Big Daddy
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Joined: Fri Jun 10, 2011 7:33 am

Re: Jokes

Post by Big Daddy »

Sitting around, pondering the problems of the world, I realized that at my age I don't really give a rat's patootie anymore.

If walking really was good for your health, the postman would be immortal.

A whale swims all day, only eats fish and drinks water, but is still fat.

A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years, while a tortoise doesn't run and does mostly nothing, yet it lives for 150 years. And they tell us to exercise?

Now that I'm older, here's what I've discovered:
1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
2. My wild oats are mostly enjoyed with prunes and all-bran.
4. I don't remember being absent-minded.
5. If all is not lost, then where the heck is it?
6. It was a whole lot easier to get older than it was to get wiser.
7. Some days, you feel like the dog and some days you feel like the hydrant.
8. I wish the buck really did stop here, I sure could use a few of them.
9. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.
10. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.
11. It's tough to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
12. The world only beats a path to your door when you're in the bathroom.
13. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he'd have put them on my knees.
14. When I'm finally holding all the right cards, everyone wants to play chess.
15. It's not hard to meet expenses . . . They're everywhere.
16. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
17. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter .. . . I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I'm "here after".
18. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
19. It is a lot better to be seen than viewed.
20. Have I sent this message to you before...or did I get it from you?
I'm just wondering where item 3 went.
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Big Daddy
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Re: Jokes

Post by Big Daddy »

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Big Daddy
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Re: Jokes

Post by Big Daddy »

Old Fred's hospital bed is surrounded by well-wishers, but it doesn't look good. Suddenly, he motions frantically to the pastor for something to write on.
The pastor lovingly hands him a pen and a piece of paper, and Fred uses his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then dies.
The pastor thinks it best not to look at the note right away, so he places it in his jacket pocket..
At Fred's funeral, as the pastor is finishing his eulogy, he realizes he's wearing the jacket he was wearing when Fred died.
"Fred handed me a note just before he died," he says. "I haven't looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration in it for us all."
Opening the note, he reads aloud, "Move! You're standing on my oxygen hose!"
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Big Daddy
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Re: Jokes

Post by Big Daddy »

An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on. Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.

'How do you feel about sex?' he asked, rather tentatively. 'I would like it infrequently' she replied. The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, leaned over towards her and whispered 'Is that one word or two?'
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SteveClem
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Location: near Belper

Re: Jokes

Post by SteveClem »

So the big toe was chatting to the penis...
'I've got a rotten life, I get up every morning.. get shoved in a smelly sock...pound the streets all day...same day in ,day out. You're a lucky chap up there '
The penis looks down and says 'Lucky? Look at my life! I get up every morning and get shoved into a pair of sweaty pants, hardly get a breath of fresh air on my foreskin...and if I do I'm liable to get trapped in a zip! Then every night I get a plastic bag put over me and have to do press ups until I'm sick '

Sorry, I'll get my coat...
Big Daddy
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Re: Jokes

Post by Big Daddy »

A man on his Harley was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, God said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want."

God replied, "Your request is materialistic; think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind."

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, "God, I wish that I, and all men, could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says 'nothing's wrong', why she snaps and complains when I try to help, and how I can make a woman truly happy."

God replied: "You want two lanes or four on that bridge ?"
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A40FARINAGURU
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Re: Jokes

Post by A40FARINAGURU »

two brothers up in court, one had been drinking battery acid, the other had been eating fireworks, after careful consideration the judge decided that one would be charged & the other one would be let off
Nick Bayliss

Club's A35 (Saloon) Registrar, South Midlands Area Contact

Email, a35@austina30a35ownersclub.co.uk

Connected with A30/A35's for 63 years

A30/A35 Member A1372 (since 1981)
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Duncan
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Re: Jokes

Post by Duncan »

When I heard they had found a cure for dyslexia, it was like music to my arse.
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