Jokes

As it says on the tin, General and off Topic area, talk about anything in here (within reason!)
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Neil Evans
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Re: Jokes

Post by Neil Evans »

A bloke applies for a job with the Council in the office.
The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything"?
He replies, "Yes caffeine."
"Have you ever worked for the public sector before."
"Yes I was in the army" he says, I was in Iraq for two tours."
The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment.
Then he asks,"Are you disabled in any way?"
The guy says "Yes,a mine exploded next to me when I was there and I lost both my testicles." The interviewer grimaces and then says,"O.K.
You've got enough points for me to take you on right away.
Our normal hours are from 8.00am to 4.00pm.......but you can start tomorrow at 10.00am-and carry on starting at 10.00am everyday."
The bloke is puzzled and asks."If the work hours are from 8.00am to 4.00pm ,why don't you want me here until 10.00am?...
I'm not looking for any special treatment y'know."
"What you have to understand is that this is a job for the Council," the
interviewer says, "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. There's no point in you coming in for that."
Club Technical Information Officer
A30/A35 Club Member A191 (since 1972)

Father of the club's only love child
Big Daddy
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Re: Jokes

Post by Big Daddy »

So, a good mate has two tickets for the 2017 Super Bowl, box seats on the 50 yard line. He paid $3,700.00 for each ticket!!! He didn't realise when he bought the tickets that the game would be on the same day as his wedding, so now he cant go.

If you are interested and would like to go in his place, its at First Community Church in Atlanta, Ga at about 4:00 pm. Her name is Tiffany, she's about 5'-3". about 110 lbs, great cook, good looking, currently makes around $120,000 a year. She will be the one in the while dress.
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Neil Evans
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Joined: Tue Apr 15, 2008 1:06 am
Committee Role: Technical Officer
Location: Boston, Lincolnshire
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Re: Jokes

Post by Neil Evans »

A guy sends a text to his next-door neighbor:
"Bob, I'm sorry. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess: I have been helping myself to your wife when you're not around, probably more than you. I know it's no excuse but I don't get it at home. I can't live with the guilt any longer. I hope you'll accept my sincerest apology. It won't happen again."
Feeling outrage and betrayed, Bob grabs his gun, goes into the bedroom, and without a word, shoots his wife.
Moments later the guy gets a second text: "Really should use spell check! That should be 'wifi'."smile emoticon
Club Technical Information Officer
A30/A35 Club Member A191 (since 1972)

Father of the club's only love child
Big Daddy
Posts: 7158
Joined: Fri Jun 10, 2011 7:33 am

Re: Jokes

Post by Big Daddy »

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
'So I hear you're getting married?'
'Yep!'
'Do I know her?'
'Nope!'
'This woman, is she good looking?'
'Not really.'
'Is she a good cook?'
'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
'Does she have lots of money?'
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
'I don't know.'
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'
'Because she can still drive!'
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Big Daddy
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Re: Jokes

Post by Big Daddy »

Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer.'
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Big Daddy
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Re: Jokes

Post by Big Daddy »

A man was telling his neighbour, 'I just bought a new hearing aid.
It cost me three thousand pounds, but it's state of the art. It's perfect.'
'Really,' answered the neighbour. 'What kind is it?'
"Twelve thirty..'
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Big Daddy
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Re: Jokes

Post by Big Daddy »

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlour
and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.
After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'
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Neil Evans
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Re: Jokes

Post by Neil Evans »

Back on January 9th, a group of HELLS ANGELS, South Carolina bikers were riding east on 378 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Pee Dee River Bridge. So they stopped.

George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says,
"Hey Baby . . . whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"

She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!"

While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," George also didn't want to miss this "be-a-legend" opportunity either so he asked . . . "Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe . . .
why don't you give ol' George here your best last kiss?"

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that . . .
and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one.

After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had! That's a real talent you're wasting there, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."

It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.
Club Technical Information Officer
A30/A35 Club Member A191 (since 1972)

Father of the club's only love child
Big Daddy
Posts: 7158
Joined: Fri Jun 10, 2011 7:33 am

Re: Jokes

Post by Big Daddy »

Wife: Shall I prepare Curry or Soup today?
Husband: Make it first, we will name it later
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Big Daddy
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Joined: Fri Jun 10, 2011 7:33 am

Re: Jokes

Post by Big Daddy »

Employee: Sir, You are like a lion in the office! What about at home ?
Boss: I am a lion at home too - but there we have a lion tamer!
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Big Daddy
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Re: Jokes

Post by Big Daddy »

Slogan on a MAN's T-Shirt:

Please Do Not Disturb Me
I'm married and very disturbed already
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Big Daddy
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Re: Jokes

Post by Big Daddy »

The North Yorkshire Police report finding a man's body in the River Swale, near Richmond.
The dead man's name will not be released until his family has been notified.
The victim apparently drowned due to excessive marijuana consumption.
He was wearing black fishnet stockings, a red garter belt, a pink G-string, a strap-on dildo, purple lipstick, and a ‘Corbyn for Prime Minister' T-shirt. He also had a cucumber in his rectum.
The police removed the Corbyn T-shirt to spare his family any unnecessary embarrassment.
In spite of what we sometimes think, the police do care.
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Big Daddy
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Re: Jokes

Post by Big Daddy »

I talked to a homeless man this morning and asked him how he ended up this way.

He said, "Up until last week, I still had it all. I had plenty to eat, my clothes were washed and pressed,
I had a roof over my head, I had TV and Internet, and I went to the gym, the pool, and the library.
I was working on my MBA on-line. I had no bills and no debt. I even had full medical and dental coverage."

I felt sorry for him, so I asked, "What happened? Drugs? Alcohol? Divorce?"

"Oh no, nothing like that," he said. "No, no. I just got out of prison..."
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Big Daddy
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Joined: Fri Jun 10, 2011 7:33 am

Re: Jokes

Post by Big Daddy »

A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?
The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, 'About 2 hours.'
The guy left.
A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?'
The barber looked around at the shop and said, 'About 3 hours.'
The guy left.
A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?
The barber looked around the shop and said, 'About an hour and a half ..
The guy left.
The barber turned to his friend and said, 'Hey, Bob, do me a favour , follow him and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but he never comes back.'
A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.
The barber asked, 'So, where does he go when he leaves?'
Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said,

'Your house!'
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Big Daddy
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Joined: Fri Jun 10, 2011 7:33 am

Re: Jokes

Post by Big Daddy »

An elderly golfer comes in after a good round of golf at the new course and heads straight to the bar/restaurant area of the club house.

As he passes through the doors, he spots a sign hanging over the bar that reads:

COLD BEER..................$2.50
HAMBURGER...............$3.50
CHEESEBURGER.........$4.25
CHICKEN SANDWICH..$4.75
HAND JOB................$150.00

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Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary money, the Elderly Golfer walks up to the bar & beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled golfers.

She glides down behind the bar to the old golfer.
“Yes?” she inquires with a wide, knowing smile "May I help you sir?”

The old golfer leans over the bar and whispers,
“I was wondering young lady, are you the one who gives the hand jobs around here?”

She looks into his wrinkled eyes and with a wide smile purrs,
“Yes sir, I sure am. I give the best hand jobs around.”

The old golfer leans in even closer and into her left ear says softly,
“Well then, be sure to wash your hands real good, because I want a cheeseburger.”
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