Jokes

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MHodg
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Location: North Dorset

Re: Jokes

Post by MHodg »

Crufts winners don’t look like that in real life, say bitter ordinary dogs
16-03-16


WINNING Crufts would be easy if you practised all day, ordinary dogs have claimed.
Household pets dismissed the idea that Crufts winners were particularly talented or attractive, saying their success was largely down to personal dog trainers and grooming salons.

Yorkshire terrier Roy Hobbs said: “I’d be good at jumping through hoops if I practised 10 hours a day, but some of us have got responsibilities like barking at men who wear hats.
“And you know why those collies can weave between the posts so quickly? Cocaine.”
Labrador Nikki Hollis said: “Anyone can look good if they spend hours at the grooming parlour, but a busy working pet like me is too busy digging.
“Apparently the dog who won Crufts this year is slightly obese with a touch of mange, but they doctor all the pictures with Photoshop.
“The police dog displays are the most fake because even a really thick police dog would realise they wouldn’t allow real criminals with guns at a dog show.”
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Mike.H.
Big Daddy
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Re: Jokes

Post by Big Daddy »

Four old-timers were playing their weekly game of golf. One remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a round. His buddies all chimed in said, "Let's do it! We'll make it a priority - figure out a way and meet here early, Christmas morning."

Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf course. The first guy says, "Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife a diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off." The second guy says, "I spent a ton too. My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures." The third guy says "Well my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual."

They all turned to the last guy in the group who is staring at them like they have lost their minds. "I can't believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I slapped my wife on the bum and said,
'Well babe, Merry Christmas! It's a great morning - golf course or intercourse ?"

She said, "Don't forget your hat."
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Big Daddy
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Re: Jokes

Post by Big Daddy »

RECENTLY OVERHEARD A SWEET ELDERLY LADY SAYING A PRAYER

"Dear Lord, the past couple of years have been very tough for me. You've taken -

My favourite actor, Patrick MacNee
My favourite horror actor, Christopher Lee
My favourite comedians, Robin Williams and Victoria Wood
My favourite singers, Cilla Black, Joe Cocker , Leonard Cohen and David Bowie
My favourite author, Tom Clancy
And finally, my favourite presenter Sir Terry Wogan

So Lord, I just wanted you to know that my favourite politicians are: -
Tony Blair, Jeremy Corbyn, Jacob Zuma, Donald J Trump and that stupid
moo from Scotland.

Amen"
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Big Daddy
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Re: Jokes

Post by Big Daddy »

Chicago schools are finally starting to teach practical math that kids can use in real-world situations . . .

1. Lajames has an AK-47 with a 200-round clip. He usually misses 6 of every 10 shots and he uses 13 rounds per drive-by shooting. How many mofos can Lajames ice on a drive-by before he gotta reload?

2. Willie has 2 ounces of cocaine. If he sell an 8 ball to Antonio for $320 and 2 grams to Juan for $85 per gram, what be the street value of the rest of his sh*t?

3. Dwayne pimps 3 ho's. If the price is $85 per trick, how many tricks per day must each ho turn to support Dwayne's $800 per day crack habit ?

4. Raul wants to cut the pound of cocaine he bought for $40,000 to make 20% profit. How many ounce bags will he need to make to get the 20% upside?

5. Ray-Ray gets $2000 for a stolen BMW, $1500 for stealing a Corvette, and $1000 for a 4 x 4. If he steal 1 BMW, 2 Corvettes and 3 4x4's, how many more Corvettes must he steal to make the 10k for his brother's bail?

6. Pedro get 6 years for murder. He also get $10,000 for the hit. If his common-law wife spend $100 of his hit money per month, how much money will be left when he get out?

7. If an average can of spray paint covers 22 square feet and the average letter is 3 square feet, how many letters can be sprayed with three 8 oz. cans of spray paint with 20% paint left over?

8. Tyrone knocked up 4 girls in the gang. There be 20 girls in his gang. What be the percentage of bitches Tyrone knocked up ?

9. Lafawnda is a lookout for the gang. Lafawnda also has a boa constrictor that eats 5 rats per week at a cost of $5 per rat. If Lafawnda makes $700 a week as a lookout, how many weeks can she feed her snake with one week's income ?

10. Marvin steals Juan's skateboard. As Marvin skates away at 15 mph, Juan load his .357 Magnum piece. If it take Juan 20 seconds to load his piece, how far away will Marvin be when he get whacked?
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Big Daddy
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Re: Jokes

Post by Big Daddy »

A married couple are on holiday in Wales, and they stop for lunch at the famous town of Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch.

The husband calls over the waitress and asks, "I was wondering if you could settle an argument, how exactly do you pronounce this place?"

The waitress looks at him and says, "Burger King."
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Big Daddy
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Re: Jokes

Post by Big Daddy »

Four old Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee in St. Peters Square. The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."

The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."

The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone bows their head and say 'Your Eminence'."

The fourth Catholic man says very proudly, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."

Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, The four men give her a subtle, "Well....?"

She proudly replies, I have a daughter, slim and tall, 40" D breasts, 24" waist and and 36" hips. When she walks into a room, people say “JESUS" :shock:
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Hurtzberg
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Re: Jokes

Post by Hurtzberg »

Big Daddy wrote: She proudly replies, I have a daughter, slim and tall, 40" D breasts, 24" waist and and 36" hips. When she walks into a room, people say “JESUS" :shock:
Written by someone who doesn't understand bra sizes. That would make her a hump back with relatively small boobs. No wonder people say "Jesus" as you just don't see that many hump backs anymore.
Andrew

1957 A35
Big Daddy
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Re: Jokes

Post by Big Daddy »

Hurtzberg wrote:Written by someone who doesn't understand bra sizes.
It was supposed to be a joke not an anatomical study. Quick research has revealed bra sizes up to 42N but they probably come even larger :shock:

Is that more to your liking Andrew :?:
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Dave Clark
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Location: High Wycombe, Bucks

Re: Jokes

Post by Dave Clark »

There go two experts on bra sizes.

You never know who has this specialist knowledge stuff in our club.

I bet BD could also give a stress analysis of the straps.
Big Daddy
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Re: Jokes

Post by Big Daddy »

Dave Clark wrote:I bet BD could also give a stress analysis of the straps.
Definitely providing I was allowed to verify any theoretical calculations against real world measurements... :thumbs:
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Hurtzberg
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Re: Jokes

Post by Hurtzberg »

Big Daddy wrote:
Hurtzberg wrote:Written by someone who doesn't understand bra sizes.
It was supposed to be a joke not an anatomical study. Quick research has revealed bra sizes up to 42N but they probably come even larger :shock:

Is that more to your liking Andrew :?:
The number represents the size around the chest not including the boobs. Only the letter shows the boobsize. Hence the 40 chest with a 24 waist making her a humpback. Or possibly the V of a mans body. Big Daddy, is the joke that the old ladies "daughter" is a trans gender man with breast implants? Would certainly make most people say "Jesus"

I recommend the Crocodile Dundee test asap!
Andrew

1957 A35
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Duncan
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Re: Jokes

Post by Duncan »

this thread is worthless without pictures...
Big Daddy
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Re: Jokes

Post by Big Daddy »

Hurtzberg wrote:The number represents the size around the chest not including the boobs. Only the letter shows the boobsize. Hence the 40 chest...
Andrew you seem genuinely enthusiastic about bras... :mrgreen:

Duncan wrote:this thread is worthless without pictures...

Photo was embedded in the original e-mail. I didn't feel inclined to include this young lady but perhaps she would have prevented the protracted review of bra sizes... :whistle:

daughter.jpg
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Countryboy
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Re: Jokes

Post by Countryboy »

Big Daddy wrote:
Hurtzberg wrote:The number represents the size around the chest not including the boobs. Only the letter shows the boobsize. Hence the 40 chest...
Andrew you seem genuinely enthusiastic about bras... :mrgreen:

Duncan wrote:this thread is worthless without pictures...

Photo was embedded in the original e-mail. I didn't feel inclined to include this young lady but perhaps she would have prevented the protracted review of bra sizes... :whistle:

daughter.jpg

What a beautiful creature !
Rest Home for rusty vehicles
Dave Clark
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Re: Jokes

Post by Dave Clark »

My hands are not that big - and anyway I,m too old.
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