Jokes

As it says on the tin, General and off Topic area, talk about anything in here (within reason!)
Big Daddy
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Re: Jokes

Post by Big Daddy »

Countryboy wrote:I think I would bet on kinnock being the new leader
Not David Miliband :?: ... :whistle:
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Countryboy
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Re: Jokes

Post by Countryboy »

Big Daddy wrote:
Countryboy wrote:I think I would bet on kinnock being the new leader
Not David Miliband :?: ... :whistle:
Yes , could be

Politics will get a little more interesting on June the 9th IMHO :cheers:
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Big Daddy
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Re: Jokes

Post by Big Daddy »

Countryboy wrote:Politics will get a little more interesting on June the 9th IMHO :cheers:
Our new PM Jeremy and sidekick Diane negotiating Brexit :?: ... :whistle:
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Countryboy
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Re: Jokes

Post by Countryboy »

Big Daddy wrote:
Countryboy wrote:Politics will get a little more interesting on June the 9th IMHO :cheers:
Our new PM Jeremy and sidekick Diane negotiating Brexit :?: ... :whistle:
Yes and he will be negotiating with the argie's on the Falklands where 99% ? Of the locals wished to remain British :twisted:
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Big Daddy
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Re: Jokes

Post by Big Daddy »

Countryboy wrote:Yes and he will be negotiating with the argie's on the Falklands where 99% ? Of the locals wished to remain British :twisted:
Fairly clear where Falklands would be heading, and Gibraltar... :whistle:
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gazza82
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Re: Jokes

Post by gazza82 »

Big Daddy wrote:Our new PM Jeremy and sidekick Diane negotiating Brexit :?: ... :whistle:
More likely rolling over to have their tummies tickled .. :rol:
"If you're driving on the edge ... you're leaving too much room!"

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Big Daddy
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Re: Jokes

Post by Big Daddy »

gazza82 wrote:More likely rolling over to have their tummies tickled .. :rol:
While Britain gets shafted... :whistle:
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A40FARINAGURU
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Re: Jokes

Post by A40FARINAGURU »

Nick Bayliss

Club's A35 (Saloon) Registrar, South Midlands Area Contact

Email, a35@austina30a35ownersclub.co.uk

Connected with A30/A35's for 63 years

A30/A35 Member A1372 (since 1981)
Big Daddy
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Re: Jokes

Post by Big Daddy »

God's Plan for Aging!

Most seniors never get enough exercise. In His wisdom God decreed that seniors become forgetful so they would have to search for their glasses, keys and other things thus doing more walking. And God looked down and saw that it was good

Then God saw there was another need. In His wisdom He made seniors lose coordination so they would drop things requiring them to bend, reach & stretch. And God looked down and saw that it was good.

Then God considered the function of bladders and decided seniors would have additional calls of nature requiring more trips to the bathroom, thus providing more exercise. God looked down and saw that it was good.

So if you find as you age, you are getting up and down more, remember its God’s will. It is all in your best interest even though you mutter under your breath.

Nine Important Facts to Remember As We Grow Older

Death is the number 1 killer in the world.

Life is sexually transmitted.

Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Men have 2 motivations: hunger and hanky panky, and they can't tell them apart. If you see a gleam in his eyes, make him a sandwich.

Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years unless you give them your email address.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

In the 60's, people took LSD to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal.

Life is like a jar of jalapeño peppers. What you do today may be a burning issue tomorrow.

Please share this wisdom with others while I go to the bathroom...
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Big Daddy
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Re: Jokes

Post by Big Daddy »

Bob walked into a sports bar around 5:58 PM. He sat down next to a very attractive blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.

The 6 PM news was coming on. The news crew was covering the story of a man on the ledge of a large building preparing to jump.

The blonde looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"

Bob said,"You know, I reckon he'll jump." The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."

Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said,"You're on!"

The blonde placed her money on the bar, and kept watching the scene on the telly. The guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.

The blonde was very upset but willingly handed her $20 to Bob, "Fair's fair. Here's your money."

Bob replied, "I can't take your money. I saw this earlier on the 5 PM news, so I knew he would jump."

The blonde replied, "I did too, but I didn't think he'd do it again."
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Big Daddy
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Re: Jokes

Post by Big Daddy »

Steven asked me to post this joke on his behalf... :wave:
Countryboy wrote: After having their 11th child, an Irish couple decided that that was enough, as they couldn't afford a another bed. So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children ....

The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem but it was expensive. A less costly alternative was to go home, get a large firecracker, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The husband said to the doctor, "B'Jayzus, I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me with my problem."

"Trust me, it will do the job", said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cracker and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count:

"1, 2, 3, 4, ?5," at which point he paused, and placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in New Zealand.
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Big Daddy
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Re: Jokes

Post by Big Daddy »

A man washed up on a beach after a shipwreck.
Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed-up with him.
After looking around, he realised that they were stranded on a deserted island.

After being there a while, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sunset.

One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.

As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely man.
Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it.

The sheepdog, ever-protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep.

After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed-by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.
The only survivor was Nicola Sturgeon, Leader of the Scottish Nationalists.

That evening, the man brought Nicola to the evening beach ritual.
It was another beautiful evening - red sky cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance.

Pretty soon, the man started to get those feelings again.
He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and leaned over to Nicola and told her he hadn't had sex for months.

Nicola batted her eyelashes and asked if there was anything she could do for him?

He said, 'Take the dog for a walk.'
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Big Daddy
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Re: Jokes

Post by Big Daddy »

1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

2. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

3. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

4. A day without sunshine is like, well, night.

5. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

6. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

7. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

8. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

9. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end-to-end, someone from TBE would be stupid enough to try to pass them.

10. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

11. The things that come to those who wait, may be the things left by those who got there first.

12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

13. Torch: A case for holding dead batteries.

14 . God gave you toes as a device for finding furniture in the dark.

15. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of twelve people, who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
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Big Daddy
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Re: Jokes

Post by Big Daddy »

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A guy sits down at the bar and orders drink after drink.

"Is everything okay, pal?" the bartender asks.

"My wife and I got into a fight and she said she isn't talking to me for a month!"

Trying to put a positive spin on things, the bartender says,

"Well, maybe that's kind of a good thing. You know, …...a little peace and quiet?"

“Yeah the guy says, but today is the last day!"
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Big Daddy
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Re: Jokes

Post by Big Daddy »

WELCOME to 2017
� Our Phones - Wireless
� Cooking - Fireless
� Cars - Keyless
� Food - Fatless
� Tires -Tubeless
� Dress - Sleeveless
� Youth - Jobless
� Gender - Clueless
� Leaders - Shameless
� Relationships - Meaningless
� Attitudes - Careless
� Babies - Fatherless
� Feelings - Heartless
� Education - Valueless
� Children — Mannerless
� Bills - Paperless

We are-SPEECHLESS,
Government-is CLUELESS,
Opposition is HOPELESS,
Politicians are WORTHLESS!

Often a true word spoken in jest :?: ... :whistle:
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